And so it Begins

Is it bad to wish someone a happy 30th birthday then realize that soon you'll have to say you are 31 years old and suddenly you feel like a failure? Yeah, probably.

Okay, I'm not a total failure, I've got a couple degrees, a job and soon I will have licenses to practice law in 2 states. Except, other than school and work, I don't have much to count for. I don't travel because I have neither the time nor money.

And of course, the big issue, none of my relationships have lasted longer than 6 months. There are a lot of things always going on in my head that keep me hung up on this. You know, the what's wrong with me, this isn't normal thoughts. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, but it's starting to get to me a lot more now. Finding yourself going to events and being the only single person there is becoming more and more of a reality in my life. I am also aware that I don't see some people as much as I used to because I don't have that other half to make up a couple. Things are not quite like the dinner party scene in Bridget Jones yet, but give it a few years.

I probably am overreacting, but I blame all the people who feel it's okay to ask why I don't have a boyfriend. That question could go two ways - you're great, why hasn't someone snatched you up, or what the hell is wrong with you. Hear it enough and it turns into the latter no matter what the intentions of the asker. I never have a boyfriend, haven't you figured that out by now? I would punch the next person who asks me that, but it will probably be my grandmother, and that might not be such a good idea.

It also isn't helping that at least once and more likely twice a week I am regaled with a "This guy hit on me here story" from the same person. I really appreciate the days where I hear how 3 or 4 guys contacted her either for a date or to declare their love. Can't say as I'm jealous since we have very different personalities and ideas of what we want in a man, but it adds to the what's wrong with me feeling. I know I shouldn't compare, but it is such a common occurrence that it's getting to me even though I tell myself it shouldn't. Someday I am going to snap, I just know it.

Somehow the thought of turning a year older always makes me start to evaluate my life and where I'm at. Some years are better than others. I tend to get more upset about my birthday in the month before than actually on my birthday. After all, that day is for presents and cake. I might have one or two moments of self-doubt about my status in life, but they should be short lived. If not, that's what this thing is for, engaging in self indulgent whining about how no one loves me. Yay.